I had a startling discovery today as I was browsing through my documents. I found an article that I had written back in 2004 when I worked for the belated OGaming.com. Up until just now, I had recalled starting in the business of gaming coverage in 2004, but now I know that I’ve been off by a year. I, in fact, started doing this in 2003, as that article is approximately a year after my starting date.

It’s a pretty fun read, and since OGaming.com no longer exists, there is no way for me to link to the original posting itself, so instead, I shall include the article here. Thank you for stopping by. I hope you enjoy a little glimpse into my past.

The joys of flying in post 9/11 are definitely worth the effort to truly appreciate. From one flaming hoop to another, the joys and excitement invoke raptures to even the youngest of hearts.

Our misfortunes have brought about a new revolution where feet may walk freely from the constraints of shoes while passing by special security! Disrobing is not only permitted, it’s requested when going near the security conveyer belt. Your clothing and shoes are safely tucked into grey/blue bins and whisked away on this 19th century technology. Ever wish to perform experiments with negative film? Take a few pictures, pop them into your pockets, and have it drawn through the security screening x-ray. Vwalla, you have instantly fried negatives. Go develop them to see if you have swirly colors!

This, my dear friends, is only the beginning of your fun! From here, you begin your pirate’s search of the treasure: your gate. Immediately upon leaving the foot-freedom land, you realize that you’ve left behind 2 very important items! Your trusty parrot (navigator/translator) and your treasure map with its trademark X. The only items you have with you are your ID and a slip of waxy thin paper with writing that at first glance appears to be written in your language, but upon close examination, you realize that you have been tricked! It must have been the security! They told you to take off your shoes and gave you a false sense of comfort and security, where now your fate is in the hands of your puzzled mind. Good luck on your journey!

*DING!* Congratulations! You have just improved your reading through squinted eyes skill!

Upon comparing your slip of glossy paper with the large overhead sign, you notice that there are 2 things that match; the word “Gate” and directly following, a letter. On the large overhead sign, curious hieroglyphic-like symbol is displayed directly to the right of these “matching items”. Using your random world knowledge skill, you realize that they are trying to direct you which way you need to go. Curious! It’s almost like the sign sensed your confusion. As your brain logics this crazy thought process away, you realize that your feet have taken on a mind of their own and are moving in the direction the sign had indicated you go.

Now before we move along in our adventures, I must warn you, the security is of a different nature to the ones you earlier visited. These security personnel not only don’t want you taking off your shoes, they will actually frown at you for doing so!

Moving right along, you finally locate the complete sequence of symbols that match those on your tiny slip of glossy paper. X marks the spot? Perhaps. Behind the counter is an industry standard, year 2004 smiling and waving attendant who quite frequently drops out of characters to exhibit a frown of thought. Is it time? Are you that much closer on your quest to possibly meet your maker?

Sitting pleasantly upon the counter is a sign that requests all passengers to check in a minimum of 15 minutes prior to boarding, so you trudge up to the counter where the state of the art, 2004 industry standard attendant stands and say the words, “I am here to check in…” and glance to the sign on your right. You then are thrown completely off by the confused look on the attendants face, but still hear as though said remotely, “Alright, may I please see your boarding pass?”

Pondering upon its meaning, you mindlessly extend your hand towards the attendant with the glossy paper in tow but immediately wish you hadn’t as the attendant’s frowning look deepens as it says, “Uhm… you are already checked in.” As your mind mentally cries, “But the sign said…” you find that your feet have taken over once again. Still crying in confusion, your mind begins to wonder where its feet are taking it.

It is at this point that you realize someone should put a straight jacket on you and tak you away, because at that instant, a glistening light beams down accompanied with the sound of singing angels appears and is centered around 1 thing in the entire menagerie of chaos. A chair. Why a sign would talk and a chair would sing is completely beyond your sense of reality. Your mind, so shrouded in confusion, comes to a halt of caring. All you know is that you were destined for that chair. The closer you approach, the louder the chorus sings. The beacon of light calls to you, but as you round the corner to enter the row in which the chair resides, some kid runs up and sits in your chair. Like some kind of tape recorder running low on batteries, the chorus dies with a Darth Vader finale, flickering of the light beacon and then completely gone with the dust of nothingness.

Two rows down is an ordinary, yet empty seat, in which you sit.

To pass the time before the flight, I recommend stopping by one of the conveniently over-priced airport stores and purchasing a bottle of water. I will explain why later on. Immediately following, be sure to hum the jeapordy music under your breath in a death-loop until you see 3-4 figures with wheeled luggage materialize from the booth that holds the year 2004 industry standard airport attendant.

This is generally the sign that you finally will begin to have the chance to board the metallic flying sardine can!

Boarding starts, but wait, those that are currently getting on board are part of the “cool people”. First, those who “Will take a while to board and/or have children” may board. Then come the 1st class and Smart Plux Club members. Following them are those with different types of frequent flier miles and from there more club members. The remaining 10-15 people, which by the way, includes yourself, are finally told to board after an intercom broadcasted cough that mysteriously sounded like the word “losers”. Your mind has gone through a lot of strain at this point, so perhaps you just imagined it!

You board the metal flying sardine can and attempt to locate your seat. As you follow the never-ending sea of chairs, you feel like you’ve entered one of the wacky rooms in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory. The further you go, the more cramped the space becomes.

Five rows from the back, you finally locate your seat. It is at this point that you realize not only are the seats smaller, but the aisle is too.

This brings up my airline theory. The more cramped a style of plane gets, the larger the flight attendant is. This flight falls under this theory incredibly well, which mind you, I do not like. Especially because the theory always continues on that you are ONLY stuck on this plane that is cramped and with oversized attendants, when you have the aisle seat!

The flight crew will then go through the usual steps. The pilot introduces himself, talks about the destination, the predicted smoothness of the flight and welcomes you aboard. The plane starts moving and about 3 minutes later they ask those sitting in the emergency exits to look at their little “in case of emergency” fliers conveniently located in the pockets near their seat, then procede to tell the rest of the people currently enjoying their compressed state of seating about how to buckle their seatbelt, to be sure to put on the air mask on yourself in case of compartment decompression, and to remember that if the bag does not inflate, it still does have oxygen flowing through it. Oh yes, and on a side note, remember not to panic!

They finally finish by telling you that the seat you are sitting on (and please remember that at least 100 other people have sat here before you) is a flotation device, that all you need to do is put it to your chest, tuck it under your chin (and your nose!) and some magical straps will appear for you to put your arms through.

The flying sardine can picks up in speed and away you go! For those of you who love speeding, this is the part that gives you the jollies! At some point in ascending, you are told that the plane is high enough to turn on electronics. Now THIS is where that water bottle I mentioned before comes in!

Just grab the bottle, pop the top and vwalla! Instant shower! The pressure caused by the increase in altitude built up enough to vie you and the others around you a nice little mist of water. Ahh… very refreshing!

So you’ve decided to save yourself some money by taking one of those incredibly late flights that they coin as “Red Eye”. When they call it “red eye”, you may think they are being cute, but truthfully, it doesn’t matter how long your flight is, you’re NOT getting any sleep.

So, stuck in a very tight space, thank god the reclining button is operational, you stick the cute hardly stuffed pillow behind your head and attempt to dose off. Impossible. You happen to be located directly diagonal to the one person who must read her book on a plane with nearly a few hundred people, at 1 AM. Stuffing the blanket over your head does seem to have a bit of success… that is until one of the oversized flight attendants walk by.
Attempt # 3 to go to sleep – you’re almost there when something odd occurs. You begin to hear what seems to be the theme music from the horror shark movie: Jaws. You look up and find that the movie was not nearly as scary as what you are currently seeing slowly bobbing around a few seats in front of you.

Now this is a creature that lives in the sea, but it is not what you think. This is a very large 3ft by 3ft stuffed doll of… Sponge Bob Square pants!! *scream*

It is at this point that your fear invokes you bladder’s com-system. Good thing, Sponge-Bob in Jaws fashion is a scary thing to see. Luckily they make it apparently obvious where the restrooms are, however, when you get there, you get to experience the fun of yet another puzzle! In front of you is a sign that says “vacant”. Well, that’s good, but how to get in is the question. There is no handle which would make opening the door make sense, nor is there a nob. Please keep in mind that it is about 2-3 AM, so all of the lights are off (all but your kiddy-corner neighbor) and though there are probably signs, you certainly can’t see them. Eventually, you realize that the door is similar to an accordion, and by pushing on the joint in the middle, you are able to open the door.

If you found the seating arrangement to be a bit cramped, it is nothing to the tight space of the bathroom. Stuffed in this tiny compartment is not only a toilet, but but also a sink, 2 rolls of toilet paper, seat covers, tissue paper, paper towels, AND a full sized bottle of liquid hand soap. Don’t forget the wall-mirror placed for your convenience.

You finish your business, come out, and thankfully, Sponge Bob has decided to move on. The sitting down makes you realize that you want nothing more than to be standing and walking, but alas, sit you must.

Finally, the metal flying sardine can has begun to descend. This is where the most amount of people traveling will play a game with you! What is this game I speak of? The fish-in-bowl game! Everyone is doing it now-a-days, and you certainly could try it yourself. Just randomly open your jaw wide and then close it much like a completely bored gold fish would! The game only ends once the plane has landed.

So as you can see, the excitement and miraculous fun involved in the way people travel by plane in post 9/11 is most certainly something to take a moment of time to truly think about. Enjoy your next flight and be sure to have fun!